When we think about triggers, we often picture loud noises, bright lights, or crowded spaces—external factors that can overwhelm someone living with dementia. But what if the biggest trigger isn’t the environment, but us?
The way we speak, our tone, our expectations, even our well-intentioned actions can send a person living with dementia into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Not because they’re being difficult—but because their brain is processing the world differently than before.
Why Does This Happen?
When dementia affects the brain, many cognitive functions begin to change—but one part remains fully active: the amygdala.
The amygdala is responsible for detecting danger and triggering emotional responses to stress, fear, or overwhelm. Since the brain now has fewer resources to process and make sense of situations, these reactions can feel more intense than before.
What we perceive as a simple request—like taking a shower, changing clothes, or attending a family gathering—might feel overwhelming or even threatening to them.
Are We Pushing for Them—or for Us?
As care partners, we always want to do what’s best for our loved ones. But sometimes, what we think is helpful may actually be causing distress.
Think about some of the things we insist on:
Family gatherings they never enjoyed, but we feel they should attend.
Visiting when we want to, even if they’ve expressed, they don’t want company at that moment.
Pushing for a shower, a change of clothes, or medication when it feels overwhelming to them.
Are these things truly for them? Or are they fulfilling a need within us—a need for normalcy, tradition, or reassurance that we’re “doing the right thing”?
How to Recognize When We Are the Trigger
It’s not always easy to recognize when our approach is causing stress. But some common signs that we may be a trigger include:
Increased resistance or distress – If they repeatedly choose not to participate in an activity, something about it overwhelms them.
Physical cues – Clenched fists, tense posture, or a sudden withdrawal from interaction can indicate distress.
Verbal distress – Repeating phrases like “I don’t want to,” “Leave me alone,” or “Stop” are clear signals.
Avoidance behaviors – Walking away, closing their eyes, or changing the subject could mean they’re overwhelmed.
How to Be a Source of Comfort Instead
Instead of pushing, what if we paused? What if we got curious about what they are experiencing? What if we honored their voice and choice and adjusted our approach?
Here are four simple ways to decrease stress and build trust:
1. Step Into Their Perspective
Before insisting on something, ask yourself:
Is this truly necessary in this moment?
How might this feel from their point of view?
What is the emotion behind their reaction?
If taking a shower feels like a battle, is there another way to help them feel clean and comfortable today? If changing clothes is stressful, does it really need to happen right now?
Instead of: “You have to take a shower.”
Try: “I have a warm washcloth ready if you’d like to freshen up.”
Instead of: “You can’t wear that shirt again.”
Try: “Would you like to change into something soft and comfy?”
Shifting our language from demanding to offering allows them to feel more in control.
2. Adjust Your Timing
Just because we are ready for something doesn’t mean they are.
Observe patterns. Do they seem more willing in the morning or later in the day?
Give choices. Instead of forcing the issue, offer options that allow them to participate on their terms.
Respect their no. If they say no, step back and try again later. Pushing often makes resistance worse.
3. Use a Calming Approach
The way we speak, and move can either soothe or stress the person we’re supporting.
Lower your voice and slow your speech.
Give them time to process. Silence is okay—it gives their brain a chance to catch up.
Approach from the front (not from behind, which can startle).
Use gentle touch (if they’re comfortable with it).
Our tone and body language often communicate more than our words ever could.
4. Validate Their Feelings
When a person with dementia feels unheard, misunderstood, or forced, their brain signals danger—which leads to frustration or withdrawal.
Instead of: “That’s not true, Mom. You already ate.”
Try: “You’re still feeling hungry? I can get you something light.”
Instead of: “You don’t need to go home—you are home.”
Try: “You’re missing home. Tell me about it.”
Validating what they feel—even if it’s not factually correct—helps them feel safe and respected.
The Power of Small Changes
People living with dementia still have a lifetime of experiences, preferences, and autonomy that matter. Our role isn’t to parent or control—it’s to support, listen, and find ways to meet their needs in ways that make sense to them.
The real question isn’t “How do I get them to do what I want?”—but “How can I make this easier and more comfortable for them?”
By shifting our mindset, adjusting our approach, and honoring their experience, we become a source of comfort rather than a trigger.
You’re Not Alone
Navigating dementia isn’t easy—but small changes can make a big difference.
At Rise Dementia Care, we help families understand, adapt, and build stronger connections with their loved ones. If you’re struggling with communication or resistance, you’re not alone—and we’re here to help.
Looking for support? Reach out. Let’s navigate this together.